Minister For Loneliness

[Progenitor A]

Mrs May has appointed a Minister for Loneliness!
It is not known whether the appointed person has accepted as she cannot be contacted

But is it really a function of government to seek out the lonely and offer them a cup of tea and hug, perhaps compiling a National List of the Lonely and establishing a call centre to give those on the list frequent calls?

How will the poor Minister KNOW who is lonely?

Here the call-centre will come into its own, as it can ring everyone in the UK and ask them if they are lonely

But what if they get a null response?
Evidently the populus is lying and further measures must be taken to establish the truth
Perhaps a mandatory Loneliness Survey Form(£2000 fine and 6 months imprisonment for non-completion)
sent to all UK residents- naturally it will be printed in all European languages and Hindi, Urdu, Arabic, Chinese and Swahili (for certain sections of the Sub-Continental-Origin Community, the forms will be sent directly to self-appointed Community Leaders for completion). It will include trick questions to judge whether the person completing it is lying and if lies are detected such people will automatically go on to the National Loneliness List, earmarked for regular automated cheerful telephone calls and vouchers for a Cup of Tea and a Hug

But what next for this CONSERVATIVE Government?

What about the lazy?
What about fat people that have BO?
What about people with a bad leg that have difficulty running to catch a bus?
What about Transgenderists that have difficulty choosing a frock?
What about people with gardens that can't be arsed to dig their garden?

The possibilities for New Ministers of State are endless

[mrsonde]

Jan 18, 2018 9:47:23 GMT 1 Progenitor A said:

Mrs May has appointed a Minister for Loneliness!
It is not known whether the appointed person has accepted as she cannot be contacted

It's quite revealing that this brief has been kicked, batted or dunked into the "Sport" portfolio. Presumably the plan is to get the lonely to play more dominoes in the halls of new National Mental Health Centres in every town and village, while eating their free chicory tea and Woolton pie - but no free full-strength Woodbines, alas - while people who like "Sport" are handed out National Conversation Cards on the wing and prayer they can conjure up something vaguely interesting to say, and perhaps, if only just a few of them, to think about? But I suppose it's quite feasible they're the same people, there might be some logic to it somewhere. Personally I make every effort to avoid conversation with joggers, cyclists, people who go to the gym - anyone in lycra is a good rule of thumb - and above all soccer enthusiasts. But I'm not lonely, ever. I have goldfish.

But is it really a function of government to seek out the lonely and offer them a cup of tea and hug, perhaps compiling a National List of the Lonely and establishing a call centre to give those on the list frequent calls?

Everyone has loneliness.

How will the poor Minister KNOW who is lonely?

She'll ask: do you follow any sports at all, dear?

Here the call-centre will come into its own, as it can ring everyone in the UK and ask them if they are lonely

And do you want PPI?

But what if they get a null response?

Double glazing then. BT Broadband as a last resort.

Evidently the populus is lying and further measures must be taken to establish the truth

They did vote Brexit. No wonder they're lonely.

But what next for this CONSERVATIVE Government?

Over the counter opium.

What about the lazy?

Swedish drill.

What about fat people that have BO?

How very Dare you! I'm not fat, I just have my own body-shape. It's vioent disrespect to mis-bodyshape me, and I'll see you in the carpark after the show.

What about people with a bad leg that have difficulty running to catch a bus?

Jean is lonely? Now there's a shocker.

What about Transgenderists that have difficulty choosing a frock?

"That"? Not an acceptable pronoun, you uncaring bastard. Zat, maybe.

What about people with gardens that can't be arsed to dig their garden?

I gave up on mine when I found a two-ton 1930's fireplace buried there. Oh, and then the skeleton of a full-grown cow. A previous owner from Liverpool. The recycler, not the cow. I know, because there were only the bones left, buried in a sedimentary layer of chip wrappings.

The possibilities for New Ministers of State are endless

Now, that's a good sport they can play. Minister for Brexit Victims? Force them to listen to Niall Ferguson lectures. Minister for Messageboard Insultees? Offer gender reassignment therapy. Minster for A&E attendees. Send them back where they came from. Minister for Ex-Convicts who were Stitched-Up by the Police Wot Really Did It. Make them Foreign Secretary.

[mrsonde]

There was a very interesting "Thought for the Day" on Today this morning (and I bet you never imagined you'd ever hear a thought like that!) Seriously, I recommend the kefuffle of finding it on iPlayer. Perhaps the Rule for the spot should be only Rabbis allowed? Now that Newburger bat has gone (she ran out of them), it might just work.

[mrsonde]

Here it is, at about 1:47. Don;t ever say I'm an uncaring bastard who wouldn;t lift a finger to help you.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09lw39m


Those who like to follow the sports news can find some at 8:24, 12:36, 16;19, 23:23, 29:51 passim, or simply stick a pin in, why don't you. Wyckham Wanderers had a goal scored against their team by the Nether Stowey Athletic visitors, it transpires. Soemone noted for his tennis-ball bashing prowess has recommended the male players start a union to fight for better pay and conditions than the hangers-on and probably lesbian-leaning wimmen. There's a darts contest, apparently, full fully audio-visual in-colour coverage available on BBC2, the wondered at the world over Culture channel. Lewis Hamilton has said he's a bit bored of driving round and round in circles and has decided to retire to Glasgow for the beer and tax-breaks. Some bird you've never heard of before or after who won the Sitting-Down Gold at the wondered at the world over 2012 games has claimed she was in fact famous before for playing the suave crime-writing sleuth, Jason King, but she's dead now, most people suspect. For the rest you'll have to search yourself.

[aquacultured]

You're an uncaring bastard.

You should've made it clear that it was at 1 hour 47 minutes, not 1 minute 47 seconds.

[mrsonde]

I thought you'd surely like to hear the latest Brexit negotiations news. You can't expect to rush the Bayeux Tapestry.


But..."Tracy Crouch"??! Surely a character from Little Britain, weren't it? You must be a bit lonely, dear, being a solo dweller plagued by the pitfalls of modern life like Angry Birds, Minecraft, and that ginger bloke who sells all the records in the hit parade nowadays? Yeah, but am I bovvered?

[fascinating]

I don't think there will be a "Minister for Loneliness" any more than there will be a "Minister for Illness" or a "Minister for Homelessness", but Mrs May has spoken of a "ministerial lead" (vague) to address the isolation that so many suffer from, and which is apparently as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Or so they say.

[fascinating]

"Those who like to follow the sports news can find some at 8:24, 12:36, 16;19, 23:23, 29:51 passim". Maybe you could have said "ad nauseam". They often stick some irrelevant and boring sport story in the news at the top of the hour. I think they are getting geared up for the football world cup this year, they can't wait to put those stupid screaming commentaries of some dreary event, such as a ball hitting a net, as the most important item of world news.

[mrsonde]

Jan 18, 2018 17:34:39 GMT 1 fascinating said:

I don't think there will be a "Minister for Loneliness" any more than there will be a "Minister for Illness" or a "Minister for Homelessness", but Mrs May has spoken of a "ministerial lead" (vague) to address the isolation that so many suffer from, and which is apparently as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Perhaps, but you can't force people to smoke more, these days. They're lonely, not beagles. I'm not clear why they're such a problem anyway - the whole point is they're not bothering anyone much, are they? Let them get on with it, whatever it is, I say. One thing I do now* - if I was ever lonely, the last thing I'd ever want is some busybody Labour feminsta MP poking her nose into my business - and a Tory wouldn't be all that much better.


*Birthday whiskey alert! Warnign, Wrangni.

[mrsonde]

Jan 18, 2018 18:10:31 GMT 1 fascinating said:

"Those who like to follow the sports news can find some at 8:24, 12:36, 16;19, 23:23, 29:51 passim". Maybe you could have said "ad nauseam". They often stick some irrelevant and boring sport story in the news at the top of the hour. I think they are getting geared up for the football world cup this year, they can't wait to put those stupid screaming commentaries of some dreary event, such as a ball hitting a net, as the most important item of world news.

Yeah! And when the snooker's on too.

[mrsonde]

Ahhh, zo, Liverpool's Anglican Cathedral was designed and built by a 22 yr old Roman Catholic, who'd never designed even a bird table or shoerack before - that explains it: one of the ugliest most uninspiring buildings in Britain, and certainly the ugliest cathedral anywhere. With this jaw-dropping triumph behind him, he got promoted to his life's true work and designed the GPO Telephone Box, made justifiably famous the world over as an emergency toilet for tramps, drunks, and ladies caught short while out in public. Not necessarily just in Liverpool either.

[mrsonde]

Wot? You don't believe me? Here it is then, o ye of little faith:





He'd just finished it when his dad, who'd wangled him the job in the first place, after he'd been kicked out of the Army, the Church, and, the last straw humiliation, the Civil Service - only bricklaying left, son, you dunderhead - came along and commented, hmmmm, not bad Junior, not bad...big, definitely big...and bricky, you've got that bit just right...hmmm, maybe just a tad on the boxy side? Hmmm...yes, decidedly boxy, one is tempted to remark...Yegads sir! That's it, by jove! You remember that drawing of yours for that new-fangled talking stick invention Her Majesty plays with all the time? The cubicle you designed for her for when she's on the toilet and runs out of paper? That's what it needs - a big one of those, smack in the middle!

And thus there you have it, in all its Glory:

[jean]

Are you feeling lonely or something?

[mrsonde]

Something.

[mrsonde]

Namely, boredom, stuck on the computer for weeks on end feeding into Excel endless columns of numbers. It reminds me of Latin classes at school.

More for the sports fans. Rare footage of Andy Murray's first tennis coaching lesson from Billie Jean, best played without sound (thus avoiding Murray's accent):




Billie Jean: "Move, move, you lazy Scotch bastard!"